Rant to a ramble

Today I wonder who are the little devils and who are the little angels in my life. Can we ever really know? I mean, honestly, if we treated everyone as if they are angels at our table, would they be? No, I don't think so. On this day, I couldn't even tell you if I am an angel in anyone elses life. Or a devil, for that matter. Why all the confusion? Let's see, maybe because I see on a daily basis people who are deceitful, and hurtful to people, sneaky, lying, and no matter how hard I try to get along they are downright mean and rude to me (you get the picture), and what happens? They get all the good people, all the good... period...

I tell myself, ok we're all just doing the best we can, or at least the best we know how. Insecurities abound, in me and in them. They just come out in different ways. Be kind PS, after all, they are struggling too. See the good in all people PS, it's there. Treat others as you want to be treated PS, that's the right thing to do. Love the unlovable PS, you know they need it. You get the drift. Now, all this is making me absolutely crazy, and it's stealing my joy away, and let me tell you that's not usually easy to do. I have gotten myself so wound up into trying to be good that I can hardly stand it!

I'm not all that great really. I'm just like everyone else struggling through this world, day by day. Sure, I really, really try to be the best person I can be, and of course, I fail that on a daily basis, at least in my eyes. Usually, I get up the next day and say, ok PS, it's a new day, let's see if we can get it right. Hmmph......

It's kinda like I'm stuck in this very small space and some people are eating all this ice cream and good fattening food, and they are staying just as thin as ever, the rest of the people are eating the same stuff because the skinnys told them it's not fattening, all the time watching them get fat, and telling them they aren't, so they think the skinnys are miracle workers. Then there's me, who see's the skinnys enjoying this food and not getting fat, and I'm thinking man that's so unfair, but I must get along. I see them feeding these people and lying and the people thinking they're so great, the whole time the skinnys are taking advantage of all these good people. How unfair is that. Must maintain goodness PS, that's the right thing to do. Oh, this is stupid. Plain old stupid. All I achieve is feeling angry, hurt, resentful. When does truth win out over lies? When does being good win out over bad? Why oh why must I even ponder these stupid things? Why can't I just ignore these injustices and be joyful anyway? Why do I let this all get to me? I know I don't deserve to be treated this way. I can't do a thing about how she treats others, but I can certainly remove myself from her negativity and meaness directed at me. She just won't stop, and I can't take it anymore. I've tried kindness, love, understanding, ignoring her, telling her to stop treating me this way, getting angry (resulting in me being called to the carpet by the boss) imagine that, and the worst thing about that is I didn't even get a chance to really say to her what I wanted to say! Tee-hee, that made me smile... rats, let's put this in perspective for a second. I have managed to let my joy be leached away, and I don't like it! She's an evil woman, there, I said it and I'm sticking to it! Oooh that felt good. Evil woman, evil, evil woman..... Wow, I'm getting way to much pleasure out of writing that!

I suppose there comes a time when, no matter what, it's time to walk away. When all your joy is gone every time you enter the same situation, with the same person, when you don't know where humility ends and being tromped on begins, when you are hurting yourself over things that only you are hurting over, it's time to walk.

Oh I so don't want to, but it's not going to change for the better, and I am changing for the worse. Confusion has me in it's grip, but fear of the unknown, the self doubt, is not as paralizing as this situation has become. Open door? Please help me to make the best move for me this time.